Pigeon is the president America deserves, but not the one it needs right now. Image: Disney Publishing Worldwide.
I don’t have the money or power to offer America better options for president, but I do maintain the ability to teach my son what effective leadership looks like.
As usual, when I go on the Internet this morning, some ludicrous claim by Donald Trump is “trending.”
This election cycle has a frantic edge — people are desperate to throw full support behind somebody, anybody. Regardless of the flip-flopped positions, shady scandals, boring debates, and economically-ignorant proclamations, we are desperately trying to convince ourselves that the democratic process is truly alive and effective.
Take a second and ask yourself: How convinced are you that the folks running for presidential leadership this year are really the best our country can do?
We really couldn’t come up with a single Republican, Democrat, or Libertarian with a consistent record of honesty, respect for diversity, and informed intelligence?
As a parent, I’ve endured the struggle with how to present this subject to my growing child. I want to believe in our great America, believe that my vote counts, and that our candidates are highly qualified.
But every utterance that leaves my mouth has the foul taste of self-contradiction:
“Bernie doesn’t know much about economics, but he at least he doesn’t seem to be inherently evil!”
“Kasich’s campaign was proof that there must be a money tree somewhere!”
“My single vote really makes a huge impact!”
In reality, if I cast a vote at all, for any mainstream candidate, I’m casting a vote against at least one of my own fundamental beliefs. I want better for my son, for my country.
As I spend time reading books and teaching my child about life, I realize that my morals — the true ingenuity and integrity to which I aspire — are found not within the bumbling politicians looking to exploit abortion and LGBTQ issues to their benefit.
Rather, these morals can be found within the quiet of our favorite children’s books.
I don’t have the money or power to offer America better options for president, but I do maintain the ability to teach my son what effective leadership looks like. That’s why I look to books to show my son that anything is possible. Through children’s literature, we dream big, imbibe critical lessons, and discover that anything is possible — even salvaging the 2016 election.
Instead of waiting around for someone with questionable morals and a lukewarm personality to take over our country’s leadership, it seems more beneficial to apply our lofty presidential idealism to characters we can actually count on.
I long to amend the ridiculous process of modern American democracy by nominating candidates who closely resemble the following characters within my family’s most beloved children’s books:
1. Little Blue from Little Blue Truck
Campaign Slogan: “Every State a Blue State.”
Imagine a leader who can form effective solutions to our problems. Think of a candidate who can unite groups of people with a single call to action. Dare to dream of a civil servant
who can win the hearts of city and country constituents alike.
Little Blue truck embodies the qualities we look for in a Commander-in-Chief.
We can count on him to maintain international alliances, reach out to those who need help, and work with the most stubborn of limos and lawmakers to soothe our nation into peaceful times.
While others remain stuck in traffic jams, mudslinging, and selfish conquests, the only candidate who understands the value of teamwork, bravery, and empathy is Little Blue.
2. Mama Llama from Llama Llama Red Pajama
Campaign Slogan: “End America's Llama Drama!”
We need a president who is a force to be reckoned with. We know Mama Llama has proven herself unafraid to plant her feet in any situation, especially the dreaded bedtime showdowns.
Terrorists, racists, and dissenters? Mama Llama has no time for that.
If she can maintain composure while dealing with a screaming, stomping kid, she'd never lose her cool over a screaming, stomping Congress.
You can bet women will get equal pay under Mama Llama! She knows how to simultaneously stay firm and gentle in a way that can neutralize even the most fierce threats to freedom.
But even though she's tough, Mama Llama’s compassionate nature will manifest itself as a strong advocate for inclusive education and women’s rights. A strong mother in the White House can raise America to prosperity and propriety.
3. Harold from Harold and the Purple Crayon
Campaign Slogan: “Only the Crayon Man Can!”
Quick thinking and adept at drawing up solutions, Harold and his Purple Crayon are central to a strong, vibrant American economy.
Hey, Harold, how about some major changes to the judicial system? He can sketch that up. And once that's finished, maybe we could rework our political framework to eradicate structural classism and racism?
A few strokes of the purple crayon and systemic inequality is history.
But it's not just the crayon that would make Harold a great leader — it's the way he doesn't give up when he draws himself into (what seems to be) a corner. It's Harold's boldness that gives him an edge where he decides to draw one. It’s his creativity that sets him apart from more flashy books and characters.
Even Harold's love of pie that says: Here's someone who understands what America wants!
4. The Pigeon from Don't Let The Pigeon Drive The Bus
Campaign Slogan: “LET. ME. BE. THE. PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!”
If you've grown tired and lost count of the number of scandals surrounding the old, white guys that traditionally run for President, the Pigeon is the candidate for you.
He is a master of persuasion, capable of swaying the hearts of the American people with his raw, emotional discourse. Discriminated against and held down by the man, the pigeon is familiar with the many societal barriers many Americans face.
Finally, a candidate who's just like us: whiny, slightly misguided and rather flippant.
But hey — he's persistent!
We can expect an increase in hot dog parties and an executive order overturning discriminatory driving restrictions if he snags a seat in the Oval Office. Will he take bribes from lobbyists? Probably. Will he stand firm on the issues? Not a chance.
Can we trust him to do what's right for America? That’s a bad idea.
One that fundamentally makes the Pigeon a perfect build for an American politician.
